Im at a crossroads

So I haven’t had time to blog. Between my job,my part time business I’m trying to kick start,my 3yr old and my husband I’ve been too swamped.

 

I’m lying. I have had time. Truth be told I couldn’t decide what I wanted this blog to be. Witty thoughts on everyday life?

Right now I don’t feel witty at all. All I feel is defeated. I’ve had a rough journey. A rough 30 years of life. And I’ve just recently stopped to take a look at my life and I don’t like what I see. And I’m stuck between feeling like a spoilt brat throwing a tantrum and a woman fighting for what she wants out of life. More. I want more. I want more than this?

 

Is it so wrong to want more?

I work in retail. So does my husband. This is limiting. And frustrating. Never ending work and service. I want more than carefully orchestrated LIMITED family time. I want more than paying bills and some change for a soda.

Trying to start your own business is quite a challenge. And this is something I actually swore I would never do. After watching my father trying to carve out his existence as an architect I vowed I would never choose that life of uncertainty. And yet here I am.

My life is far from over but I feel I have not used my 30 years wisely. Years of self doubt and self criticism have led me here to this point of nothingness. And now I fear I’ve left my wake up call too late. But is it too late? Surely I have time to make a come back?

But trying to make a come back when you have a 3yr old and no childcare is like trying to go shopping with a maxed out credit card. It just aint happening.

I find myself switching almost daily sometimes even hourly between hope and utter despair. To the point where I asked my best friend to evaluate if I may be suffering from depression. Apparently not. I am just not happy with my current circumstances. I can’t decide if this is a win or a loss. There I go again.

I was supposed to prove my parents wrong. I was supposed to be this big success story. But it seems their negative expectations of me were too deeply imprinted in my heart for me to break free and be who I am.

Look I’m not going to play victim and put this all on them but your parents do shape who you are. I think I’m drifting from the point. Wait,what was the point? Maybe I should tell you about them so that you can understand where I’m coming from. But that’s a whole other rant for a different day.

I think I’m going to use the last of 2015 to mope. And then 2016 will definitely be the year of great changes. Because if I relive another year like this then I might as well secure my casket at the funeral home. Because this isn’t living.