Does my husband know?

I am scared to have another baby.

There. I said it.

Currently this isn’t even an option for us financially but I fear the day we are able to afford it..because I’m scared of doing it all again. But at the same time I do want to give my daughter a sibling. And I want to experience pregnancy again. To savour it one more time.

Does my husband know the intense sleep deprivation I experienced in those first few weeks? Does he know how anxious I was? Does he know how I felt like I was drowning? Does he know how I longed to go back to not having a child? Does he know how neglected I felt? How I longed to shower more than twice or once a week in those first few weeks?

Does he know?

Does he know that he actually has no idea what tired means? Because the person who got two hours of broken sleep really knows what tired is. And that person is me. The mom. Does he know that I switch between loving him and hating him in 5 minutes on certain days? Does he know that I blame myself because I wanted to prove I could be supermom and do it all but all I ended up doing was being super burnt out?

Does he know?

Does he know how my body betrayed me? This vessel that had served me my entire life and which created and moulded and birthed a miracle then decided to just fall apart. Does he know that I wish I could go back to the days of wearing what I want and feeling good about? Does he know that even though he thinks I’m hot I don’t?

Does he know?

Does he know how many nights the baby kept me up and how we both cried silent and not so silent tears, clinging on to each other for dear life not knowing which way to go? Does he know that I suffered through that alone because I felt like he needed his rest to function at work while I could ‘recoup’ during the day on maternity leave? Does he know that when I went back to working full time I just wanted to run away?

Does he know?

Does he know everything that gets done around the house?

Does he know that I do so many things that don’t even cross his mind? Let’s do some laundry, Oh and don’t forget the kid must wear something blue on Tuesday and take a treat with for the picnic on Wednesday and their favourite toy on Friday. Must not forget. Let’s wash the dishes. Go find the random forgotten sippy cups and half eaten treats before we have a different set of problems. Remember which day is trash day. Remember to pack in sneakers for soccer practice. Talk to kid about school. Remember names of friends and names of friends moms. Birthday party this weekend. Directions. Gift, gift wrap, cute little birthday card. Do we have everything? Shit we forgot to buy shampoo. Let’s sweep the house. Oh look, need to go through this pile of art work. Can’t keep it all so have to pick favourites when kid is asleep. Friday is bake sale day? When the fuck did that happen? oh…here it is in the email I got three weeks ago but forgot to read. Must pluck eyebrows so that I don’t look like big foot’s sister, but wait, kid needs me to open juice box even though dad is sitting around doing nothing. Eyebrows later then. Must paint nails to look presentable at work, but wait…waiting for nails to dry is not productive. Skip nails. Hang up washing. Do more washing. Change bedding. Must get ready for work. Make sure we have everything. Get to work. Shit forgot lunch at home. Go home. Let’s bath the kid. Let’s have tea. Let’s remember everything for tomorrow. Husband needs pants mended. Kid needs new socks.

Does my husband know that this is what my brain feels like on a daily basis?

Don’t get me wrong. My husband is a modern man. He isn’t an old school pig that expects me to do everything, he just has no idea what gets done on a daily basis. And I think many men don’t realize what kind of WORK goes into organizing the daily activities of a family. But I fear that having a second child will catapult me back into those first few weeks of desperation and also once again infringe on my personal time and our time as a married couple. I am over thinking this. And our daughter is 4 so I fear we have left it for too long because I am comfortable with the way things are. I like having a shower everyday. I like having a relatively clean house. I like being able to sleep for longer than 1 hour at a time.

Does my husband know that I fear losing myself again? Does he know that while having a baby was the best thing that ever happened to me, it was also the worst thing to happen to my confidence, self esteem and sanity? Does he know that I love our daughter with all my heart but that the first year of parenting led to our worst year of marriage and I don’t want to experience that again?

Does he know? 

Does he know that while I have all these fears, I also fear NOT having a second child? Never cradling a small tiny human at 3am again. Never experiencing the joy and wonder that is pregnancy ever again. Never nourishing a child from my breast ever again. Not giving my child a sibling while our immediate family circle is so small that I have to perfectly coordinate playdates on weekends so that she can associate with her peers.

Does he know about this inner war raging inside my head? How I try to find the words every day to tell him but I can’t translate it into man-speak so I just leave it or I start and end up looking deranged. Like do you want it or not want it?

Our financial situation right now means a second child would be financial suicide, but by the time we are financially able I fear we will have missed our window. Yes yes, I know some people have their first kid at 36 and well into their 40’s but that’s not for us.

I just sometimes wonder if my husband knows how I feel about it as I made it clear that I wouldn’t whine about a second child because I feel totally blessed having a healthy and happy child while someone can only dream of one, why cry for two? But that is the practical side of me speaking. The emotional part of me yearns to have a big belly to rub that I can talk to and play music to and create dreams for.

I just needed to say this. Because I know there are others out there. With the strain of the cost of modern living deciding how big their family is.

I am glad I have one. (I say this while my hand hovers over my belly wondering if I will be lucky enough to grow another human in there)

does my husband know

Advertisements

Im at a crossroads

So I haven’t had time to blog. Between my job,my part time business I’m trying to kick start,my 3yr old and my husband I’ve been too swamped.

 

I’m lying. I have had time. Truth be told I couldn’t decide what I wanted this blog to be. Witty thoughts on everyday life?

Right now I don’t feel witty at all. All I feel is defeated. I’ve had a rough journey. A rough 30 years of life. And I’ve just recently stopped to take a look at my life and I don’t like what I see. And I’m stuck between feeling like a spoilt brat throwing a tantrum and a woman fighting for what she wants out of life. More. I want more. I want more than this?

 

Is it so wrong to want more?

I work in retail. So does my husband. This is limiting. And frustrating. Never ending work and service. I want more than carefully orchestrated LIMITED family time. I want more than paying bills and some change for a soda.

Trying to start your own business is quite a challenge. And this is something I actually swore I would never do. After watching my father trying to carve out his existence as an architect I vowed I would never choose that life of uncertainty. And yet here I am.

My life is far from over but I feel I have not used my 30 years wisely. Years of self doubt and self criticism have led me here to this point of nothingness. And now I fear I’ve left my wake up call too late. But is it too late? Surely I have time to make a come back?

But trying to make a come back when you have a 3yr old and no childcare is like trying to go shopping with a maxed out credit card. It just aint happening.

I find myself switching almost daily sometimes even hourly between hope and utter despair. To the point where I asked my best friend to evaluate if I may be suffering from depression. Apparently not. I am just not happy with my current circumstances. I can’t decide if this is a win or a loss. There I go again.

I was supposed to prove my parents wrong. I was supposed to be this big success story. But it seems their negative expectations of me were too deeply imprinted in my heart for me to break free and be who I am.

Look I’m not going to play victim and put this all on them but your parents do shape who you are. I think I’m drifting from the point. Wait,what was the point? Maybe I should tell you about them so that you can understand where I’m coming from. But that’s a whole other rant for a different day.

I think I’m going to use the last of 2015 to mope. And then 2016 will definitely be the year of great changes. Because if I relive another year like this then I might as well secure my casket at the funeral home. Because this isn’t living.