Growing up in an abusive household teaches you many things…the hard way.
You grow up not knowing any better. The pain, the hurt, the malicious intent, its all a part of life isn’t it? And then you grow up and develop this painful skill called self-awareness and its evil sister comparison. You start looking at your friends and neighbours and realize that in fact, not everyone lives the way you do. Going to someone else’s house is like a mini vacation from your daily trauma, a secret pleasure that no one can know about. But inevitably you have to go back to where you came from.
Many years ago I had to decide between life and death.
My own.
I had to decide if what I had been through was worth dying for, or worth living through.
Obviously, I chose the latter, yet half the time it felt like I had made a mistake.
Many years down the line, I’m not the same person I was all those years ago. I’ve grown, I’ve evolved, I’ve shut out so many things and sometimes it’s hard to believe that any of it ever happened. But the dark corners of my mind can be persuaded to tell the truth when I need it. And when do I need it?
I need it on the bad days to remind me how far I’ve come. I need it on days to remind me that I have survived worse. And I need it on the days that I have to make painful choices because I deserve better.
A huge trigger for me is being lied to, being manipulated and being taken advantage of. My soul is not at peace when any of this happens. Because I fought so hard to escape a life I didn’t choose, I can’t settle for that life ever again.
All of us at some point settle for situations that don’t entirely bring us joy. But that’s part of life, isn’t it? As adults, we stay in these situations for various reasons. Comfort zone. Financial reasons. Anxiety. Fear.
For the most part, I have avoided personal relationships of an abusive nature. My husband is an amazing man. My friendship circle, for the most part, remains intact year after year with a few surprises along the way, but nothing that leaves me in complete despair.
But there’s one arena that I’ve struggled with, continue to struggle with and fear more than going to the dentist. And that is the employment relationship.
I have to ask myself, how is it after all these years you still can’t speak up and make people respect you in a professional capacity? How is it that once again you’ve fallen for the lies, the dream, the excitement of possibility, the promises that were made to be broken?
I can’t quite pin down if I’m disappointed or angry. At them and myself. Too many emotions to list here. Too much back story. I don’t want to feel this way. I wasn’t given enough time to live before I was subjected to a situation that I wasn’t in control of. I fought for years to get out of it. I fought for every smile, every laugh, every carefree moment. I can’t let someone take it away from me.
Happiness is a state of mind they say. Just BE happy.
How do you achieve this when you’re overworked and underpaid? How do you achieve this state of forced happiness when you’re on an endless hamster wheel of working and paying bills?
I have a high tolerance for certain things and a zero tolerance for others. I cannot sacrifice my happiness, my peace, not when I nearly died to get it.
Work is where we spend most of our time. We see our coworkers more than we see our family members. Our office space is not where we pay rent, but it is where we spend the most time, ironically to pay rent for the house that we barely see.
I’ve worked hard thus far. And as tired as I am I still have yards ahead of me to create a space within which I can generate my own income without someone else manipulating, threatening, belittling and gaslighting me.
And here’s why I can’t settle for less than happiness, because I haven’t had enough of it yet. I was robbed of many years when I was a child and had no control. So I’ll be damned if I willingly participate in that robbery again.
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